looks just like the sun today

Finally, I'm a licensed physician. Tomorrow, along with around 1500 other new physicians I will take my oath. The oath that binds me to do no harm. Such an amazing position to be in. Yet, as I take a step back and take it all in, everything is not so rosy after all.

I am 28 years old. Status? Single, or I could also say "it's complicated". I am unemployed. I have no savings. I owe my uncle money. I owe my best friend money. My lease of contract on my apartment ends next month. I could end up anywhere after that. The small business I started with a bunch of friends is barely staying afloat. I have all but severed ties to most of my high school and college friends, med school friends, too. I barely make contact with my other so-called contacts.

From the start I was brought up to be the bright girl in the family. The one with so much potential. Now, all grown-up I am certainly above average, but so very far from being the best. I have accepted my second-rate status. However, this has not dampened my zeal for excellence. If anything, I strive harder not to be mediocre.

I have no role models. I do not have my father's ambition. I do not have my mother's optimism. I lack my sister's charm and good looks. I am not a people person like my brother.

If I am accepted in my residency training of choice I will not be able to travel for the next four years. I will be high on caffeine to get me through the sleepless nights. I will be helping people. I wonder if I will be happy.

I have the heart to for the Doctor's to the Barrios program. I do not have the strength and fortitude to last me the two years I have to spend in it.

If I take the USMLE, I will be freely floating, directionless for the years I wait to be matched to a program. I will eventually have to move in with family, take odd jobs, get to know myself in an entirely different setting I am unaccustomed to. For years, I have been living alone.

I do not want to leave the country. I am nationalistic. I follow rules, I obey. When I was working, I paid my taxes. But I am also a ball of contradictions. I hate politics. There is a flame of an anarchist in my heart. Yet, I love being organized. I love hierarchy and power.

Coffee and books are my addiction.

I have no future. My family is not my anchor.

I want to go on a long vacation. The clock is ticking. I am running out of time.

I have to put my foot down. I have to make a decision. I cannot make a decision when I do not know what I want.

For days it has been raining. Clouds everywhere. Lots of dirty laundry. My shoes are all wet.

No matter, I tell myself. No worries. This is just the beginning.

Because for me, it sure looks just like the sun today.